6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You Might Also Like
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce