*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.