I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.