The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.