My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width