Who.
Did.
This?
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Tough love is true love
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]