“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked