In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.