I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart