My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
This is me
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.