living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You Might Also Like
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?