Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My dog learned how to text
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days