I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.