has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
You Might Also Like
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.