When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Just had my nails done!
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.