To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Well, this is awkward
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.