police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”