Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.