“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.