“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.