Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My dog ate my work from home.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.