I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.