What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Always a metermaid never a meter
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.