I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Favourite diary entry ever
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Lmao
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: