[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
This kid is going places
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston