4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.