No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Where’s my employee discount too?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
classic mixup
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If I ignore life will it go away?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.