i can’t wait that long
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
RT if you could go either way.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”