day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: