Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
You Might Also Like
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Worth the read.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”