me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations