Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
This meal prepping shit easy
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.