Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.