Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.