I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.