Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Why am I like this?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”