Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him