Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You Might Also Like
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast