Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter