me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me irl
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.