My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.