Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”