With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
ugh not again
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.