Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
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The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer