[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The asteroid..
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m listening
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support