After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
nyc:
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.