“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
oh shit
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Meeeee too!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.