Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
You Might Also Like
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”