It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”