Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Worst Native American name ever.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*